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If Andy Dick daubed PCP off Michael Vick's nightstand with his flapping knife wound, things still wouldn't get as raucous as an eight-woman bachelorette party at P. So at some point, sucking the life out of the young was yanked from the list of activities society frowns on women for doing while congratulating middle-aged men in Camaros. Some folks may hit it off, start a family, and be cursed by the Lord for their hubris with birth-defected children, but most understand the beauty is it can't last.

To put it another way -- if you thought your ex-girlfriend's wedding was awkward, imagine what it's like if you've performed a three-knuckle merengue in the bride's Sunday school teacher. On a scale of one to Lunacy, most cougars are "Bicycle Made of Babies." We're not slagging them. We're just saying don't let them get your home address.

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